March 9, 2003 | 12:28 PM Central Time
A Conscious

Usually, when I write, I try to sketch out everything that's happened in recent days, for maximum reflection and bad jokes. Today, I just need to write. I don't know what�s wrong with me. I don�t really know when I lost control of my life, nor do I know when and if I�ll ever get it back. It�s ridiculous � months ago, I had my life all planned out, all seemed great, if I could only get through what was coming. And I was. And nearly 3 months ago, everything got even better � I found a place that I had always wished for, proved who I was, I've found the one that I had been looking for forever.I thought it might be too good to be true.

Reality check: It is.

I�ve always questioned things in my life to certain degrees, to see what holds true. Only a few things have � a scant few friendships, passion for music, journalism, writing in general. And one other thing that I thought I could never doubt, now, even that I can�t bring myself to come to proper terms with, no matter how hard I try. All of a sudden, I�m questioning everything I�ve ever known to be true. Is this what life was meant for? I can�t help but feel miserable, and wonder what is to come.

�I wish I had what I needed, to be on my own. 'Cause I feel so defeated, and I�m feeling alone�

And it all seems so helpless, and I have no plans. I'm a plane in the sunset with no where to land.

And all I see it could never make me happy. And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing�It's my birthday tomorrow - No one hear could know. I was born this Friday, (15 years ago�)

And I feel stuck watching history repeating, Yeah, who am I? Just a kid who knows she's needy��

-Switchfoot

My rationale is all off, and I don�t know what I�m doing anymore. I still have work to do, it never ends. And decisions to make, with no basis for reasoning, let alone decision. And no one to talk to. Even now, there is no rest for the weary. I don�t know what I�m doing with my life, I don�t have time to figure it out, and I continue to walk around blindly. I�ve never been so tired. I�ve never felt so lost.

There's still one quote that brings me to terms... the best quote in the world...

�It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once... and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry... you will someday."

-- Kevin Spacey (American Beauty)

To the one who reminded me of who I am, and why I am where I am, thank you. To the others, my friends, my love, who stand by me, thank you too. And still, the saga continues...

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003