April 6, 2003 | 9:23 PM Central Time
Glory and Pain

Time on the road does strange things to minds, hearts, and friendships. And three days on the road makes it even stranger. Memories captured in a book eventually make it to screen.

"Dear Paper Journal,

It feels strange to be writing these words down, rather than typing them. Ergo, this will likely be brief, given my aversion to both extended use of handwriting and my extreme avoidance of reading in the back seat of the car. Amid much controversy this morning surrounding my circumstances (and purposes) for daring to go hundreds of miles from home, we left this morning, an hour later than intended. With a huge greyhound in the back seat, a flag hanging from the window, and more luggage than a 1996 Grand Prix should really contain, we departed this morning, two for the road.

My Mother and I set off for Chicago to go to my pageant, her being the driver and me being the road navigator. We only got lost twice... It's a girls weekend. I get to get away from my brother and my Dad for three days... I love them both dearly, but, I am really going to enjoy just "girls weekend." You know what I mean?

That's all I really feel like saying now, this paper journal thing just isn't my thing. I'll write when I get home...

Okay, I am home now... I have to say, I really missed this place. I missed my brother picking on me, I missed taking care of my Dad and I sure in the hell missed having a little kitten snuggling up to me at night. The hotel just wasn't home... So I actually enjoyed coming home to this inky dinky house and enjoyed laying down on my inky dinky bed. LOL.

Performing on stage made me think... again... about what I gave up.

I never stopped performing, from the moment I left my first stage in fifth grade. At all hours, I was searching for the next concert, the following show, anywhere and everywhere. It led me to different towns, new friends and old, and many difficult situations. But it always became worth it for the thrill of making a connection. Actor to audience. It is what I lived for.

In the last year, I have not had a positive experience performing. After the last show with the old crew, I did more shows, new concerts, the same old thing. But something had seemed to have gone out of it, deflated almost. And the most recent show, made me wonder if I could keep up.

The thought of giving it up for good, of hanging up a costume for the last time was terrifying, but it was the one choice that I had left.

I did karaoke contests and plays, mainly. And here I was twenty-four hours ago in my second pageant walking around like I knew what I was doing... somehow... I did. I was modeling like a pro even though I didn't practice for over an hour all put together, my speech that I gave didn't sound like a speech, it sounded like it came from the heart, because it did. I was on stage, I was floating in my gorgeous blue gown. I felt like a queen (and I am) but, the feeling was so magical.

I remember thinking last year, "I've never had this much fun in my life" when I saw all of my friends called up on stage to become the top fifteen.

I felt the same this year... I was having the time of my life. I must say, I met many bitches at this pageant-- stuck up little bulimic snobs who have probably been modeling and acting and dancing all of their lives. I've never done any of that except for the acting part... I'm just me... the girl next door.

By comparison to my friends, I am not a superior actor, or singer. Or even the director, as they told me I should be. At some point, the mistakes began to overtake me, and my self-consciousness began to suck away the joy. As if each day we practiced, in some hypercritical point of view, all I could manage was to be off key, flat wrong, and still giving my all. It seemed like no one had to, or wanted to give of themselves, except me, who has been wondering at giving up everything.

There was little anticipation for any recent show. Lots of excited butterflies, more thrills, and joy coming in a large part from knowing that it was over. Does it stay this way?

It was as if I had been slapped with the sour knowledge that music would forever be a part of my life, but that I could not forever maintain the way that it fit in.

I have taken it as one more symbol that what I expected and what I returned to were polar opposites, on perpendicular spectrums.

�I had a home, and it just wasn�t the same.�

And after our recent attempts at performance bliss, the frustrations, the ups, the downs, I began to see that there�s no business like show business. But it could not be my business forever. And though at rare moments, my reservations about my talent were put aside, there is still a lagging doubt.

I just don't see how show business can be a part of my life anymore... I don't have enough time in the day as it is. Adding more theater to my daily schedule wouldn't be very helpful. Or maybe that's what I need... Maybe I need to stop doing so much and have fun.

...The stars are hard to see in Decatur, and with all the rushing around I do everyday, I have rarely looked up in the night air. I looked out my window at the night sky tonight... It was the first time I had seen them, really seen them, in months.

The stars, one in particular that I have always watched in the past, twinkled for a time. Then, they began to slowly blink out in the approach of the coming clouds and the approaching daylight. The stars shined, and then one by one, faded. Just as many friendships, and as my life as a performer, may soon follow suit. Once a shining star, now fading into the day.

Putting it all together, it really has been an amazing trip. It changed me, somehow. Amazing doesn�t always mean good� but it offered me the chance to solidify things that were up in the air, and more than that, I learned. I learned that things change when you�re not even realizing it. I learned that few things last forever, but with a few, you need to hold on. And I began to wonder why I continued to stop enduring this place in my heart, these people, given all the pain that flows into my life... I really need this. The answer is simple � because it�s the right thing to do. Because no life is lived without pain, but it is what you take away from the pain that makes all the difference in the world. And I know why I persevere, why I struggle with moving on, and why it�s not easy to hang up this town for good and walk away. All I know is that sometimes "the right thing to do" tears us up inside.

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003