May 27, 2003 | 6:27 PM Central Time
Love is what you make it

Originally, I had already written my conclusion to studying this beautiful yet strange emotion we call love. But something happened to me a while ago that is a story that begs to be told� and has changed my entire perspective on life, once again. I just couldn't wait to tell someone...

I saw one of my old friends in Sam Goody at the mall yesterday, "All Good Gifts" by Godspell was playing on the loudspeaker... this friend is someone who has always denied having a spiritual side... she just came out and said it.

"Isn't it amazing what the lord has given us?"

This question stunned me into silence, I wasn't sure how to respond. I have always thanked G-d for what we have in this world, I think G-d everyday that I can see, that I can hear, that I can walk... there are many out there who are less fortunate. But most of all, I thank G-d for letting me love someone... you know who you are, I don't even have to say your name, and I don't have to really keep it a secret anymore.

�Look at the beautiful sunset, the gorgeous music, the good friends, the inner peace. It's a wonderful gift.�

Knowing not how to respond, all I could stammer was, �Yes, it certainly is.�

She just smiled at me and waved, said that she had to go... I was a bit confused but I wasn't sure where she was going after the mall... we had just ran into each other. After she left I stood there in silence digging through the CDs without the intentions of buying anything... I am cheap, I go to GBs CDs, Movies, and Tapes for my music... twice as cheap there.

She left me there in silence never knowing how her words made an impact on me. After a while, a new song came on... one that I know by heart. "What I Did for Love" by A Chorus Line.

�Kiss today goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow. Wish me luck, the same to you. But I can�t regret what I did for love, what I did for love...

�Look my eyes are dry, the gift was our tomorrow. It�s as if we always knew, but I won�t forget, what I did for love, what I did for love...

�Oh, love is carried on, as we travel on, that�s what we remember. So kiss today goodbye, and point me towards tomorrow. Think of what we had to do. Won�t forget, can�t regret, what I did for love...�

I realized... despite my cynicism about this bizarre emotion known as �love,� for the first time, I feel I am truly beginning to understand what it is. Perhaps not where it stems from, or specifically why it has been given to us. But something about it... just began making sense.

After a while, I came home... I stepped into my room and got out the CD that I had burned that song on and popped it into my player, putting it on repeat. I opened my mini-blinds and stared at the stars, the sky, the moon... there was nothing more beautiful to me at that moment, just staring up at the heavens thanking G-d that I was alive... I haven't really done that much in my lifetime...

But just staring at the sky... something inside of me just awakened. I realized that I had to tell who I love exactly what I felt about him... Something spiritual inside of me broke open, and I will never be the same again. Later on that night, with the phone in hand... I passed up the chance to tell him exactly what I felt about him. I think it's something that I need to reserve... something that needs to be said in person.

That's pretty dumb though considering that he has the link to this online diary. LOL.

I realize that trying to describe this in clumsy words does not do the feeling I have justice. But it deserves to be told. Even as I type this, the tears well up in my eyes at the thought of the wonderful people that have touched my life. My life, and many others. And I realized, all the pent-up emotions, all the stress, all the effort that we give to Love� even if those that we love may never remember what we did� Love itself will remember.

Love can never be defined by a few specific words. It is a different emotion to everyone. Those you meet and interact with everyday, each person has their own love of someone. And I realized... I never truly wanted to define love scientifically. I wanted to find out for myself... what was it that made my heart beat faster when I saw that special someone, or made me swell with pride when a friend like Becca broke out of her shell and saw the beauty in the world around us... something that I had failed to recognize for so long. And now, I can only hope that by the pure act of love, I can remember what I did for Love. Not what I did to earn love from someone, but what I did as a gift to the cosmic force known as love. A true good gift from God. I can only hope that what I did for Love can somehow balance out what Love did for me.

The supportive friends, the caring families, each person we interact with is part of a development of this strange emotion that we call Love. And it can�t be defined, nor should it be. This spiritual awakening made me realize... I am capable of love after all. After everything I did to fight it within myself, I found out� I can love. Because above all... Love is what you make it.

I truly live in an amazing world, filled with amazing people. And soon I will sleep, and I can only pray that this feeling will last with me all the days of my life. I never want to forget it. For this brief moment in time, I feel at peace with the world. A world only possible because of this strange emotion... this beauteous thing... called Love.



before | after


Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003