July 16, 2003 | 12:05 AM Central Time
A year changes everything...

There is something about the comings and goings of summer that really makes me reflect on how many roads have diverged in this yellow wood, and what path each of them is taking, or more importantly, if the paths cross at all.

Since the summer began, I feel like the door of friends that used to swing open so readily has transformed itself into a revolving door. Just as one friend came back into the circle, another leaves for greener pastures. And yes, it is the way of things, and yes, I fight it endlessly, but if I�m not fighting the status quo, I always feel like I�ve lost something.

Friendship, at its best, is still a bizarre concept. We attach ourselves to these people based on common interests, situations that lock us together, and expect these attachments to hold together longer than they should, or let them fray like thin rope when we need them the most. More often than not, the ones that really last are friendships between people that would have nothing to do with each other. And I wonder why friendships have to be so complicated, and then I realize I�m paraphrasing Avril Lavigne, and I should just shut up.

A homecoming always has this type of angst. There is always the sense that we should come back, welcoming each other, feeling welcomed with open arms, and feeling underwhelmed at the results. It�s almost the opposite of my perception of �How Things Should Be,� as if I should matter more because I left, and find the necessity of making up for lost time. More often than not, it�s just the reverse, and each of us feels it growing like a virus.

I recieved a phone call last night... and that person, the person who used to be my best friend hung up on me. I can just see where this is going now... An old friend will show up on my doorstep, expecting things to be as they always were... three years later. While I�m usually the one that holds fast to these situations, I couldn�t bear to feign anything but indifference.

He has changed, but seemingly not grown up, and got angry when he realized that somewhere along the line, I grew up instead. I pictured myself running at the wall, leaping off and flying across the room in slow motion, creating an arc as I kicked him in the face, Matrix-style. It didn�t happen, though.

I hung out with some friends the other day... I stayed quiet, watching the �old crowd� that I was so attached to attempt to interact in limited supply over the next month. Realized how much they have changed, and how far we all still have to go. Watching someone dump all their money on worthless trinkets, and for once, not playing big sister, warning them of the consequences of a light pocketbook. Sometimes, it�s good to have a friend with worse spending habits than your own. Because that�s what I�m all about � not being the best person, but feeling like I have grown in proportion to the next person in line. Improvement by comparison. Learn it, live it, love it.

I really can�t hold true to that statement. Even after two years, I care about these people intimately, and would go on a mission crossing borders, mountains, and rivers, if it would mean that there was some solid resolution.

... The end.

before | after

---

Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003