July 27, 2003 | 12:2 AM Central Time
Upset? I'm not upset!

Upset? I'm not upset, not at all!

I am losing my best friend and this is what was just said on the phone:

Amanda: Hello?

Justin: I just called to say goodnight.

Amanda: Right, Goodnight.

Justin: What's your problem?

Amanda: I've been sitting here for three hours talking to you on instant message and you don't know what my problem is?

Justin: I think I am just going to let you go.

Amanda and Justin at same time: (Me) Fine, bye (Justin) Bye...

We were talking on AOL for three hours, arguing... he seems to think that I can't have any other males in my life besides him. But, I've decided that I am not going to cry over him anymore. We talked on the phone again just two minutes after we hung up the first time and all he could say was that we had some thinking to do. About what? If he doesn't trust me, then f-ck it.

But I should stop whining like a 14-year-old girl who doesn't get her N'Sync poster. By comparison, people are starving and living in poverty all over the world, and I'm complaining because... why am I compaining?

Wait... people starving and dying... that doesn't make me feel better at all.

I have a great temptation to type some song lyrics in this space to speak my feelings for me, but I fear that it would be far too clich� for an online diarist. And the ironic thing is, despite all my rage, I actually am just a rat in a cage.

An earlier discussion with Chrissy left three bare facts hanging out for all the world to see:

1. It is easy to feel cursed.

2. College students, in essence, try to distance themselves from the failures they fear most by covering with academic bliss.

3. If you can�t accomplish something, why not create something instead, like a baby?

Great advice...

But the strangest part of the deal is that, for the first time in my life, the last couple weeks in this forgotten big city burg have given me this strange longing to stick around for awhile. It�s a small town with no aspirations to be anything but what it is � the population would rather see a demolition derby than pick up a newspaper, and mullets and taxidermy artifacts scatter across the main drag of town. It�s a ridiculous, backward, bucolic lifestyle, and for the first time, I thought I could live with it.

Maybe it�s just one of those strange stages that I�m prone to go through every time nothing of note is �happening� in my life. It�s easier to create an internal conflict and break through it than deal with a real problem, and it makes me feel accomplished. But something about being told that I�d make a good raft guide, or talking to a family who has owned a dairy for the past 70 years and wants nothing else makes me wonder why it would be so bad.

But it�s not for me. I dream of getting away, wherever �away� is, and working my way out of debt for a big computer organization where I will feel like a number instead of an individual. I just shouldn�t judge this town by my standards, or presume to say that their lives could be so much �more.� It�s not my place to decide what �more� is, and they�ve never asked anything of me except to do what I do.

Wait, what am I talking about again?

before | after


Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003