August 10, 2003 | 8:10 PM Central Time
My prayer

First things first, I have changed my diary template because 1) I was getting tired of it and 2) I didn't feel like getting sued over someone else's mistake. Atleast it's still an iris... Amanda loves irises.

I haven't really written in a while but, I have been inspired all day. I just hope I can put it all into words, I seem to think of things all day in my mind, beautiful things and when I go to finally write them down after my work is done, I have lost it. It'd be so nice if they'd let me carry a notebook with me all day at work.

A guess a prayer that was said last night has inspired me... I was thinking about it all day today and was thinking that even though prayers can be so personal that I would share it with the rest of the world. I share everything with my diary... I don't think anything is too personal for my diary except maybe my sex life and I don't really have one of those, ya know?

This is my prayer, to an extent... "So many times have I prayed for myself when there are more important things to worry about in life. I can't be selfish anymore... I am tired of looking at myself as if I am invisible, and looking at my life as if it's some type of disoblige or inconvenience. A lot of things in my life have went wrong but it could have been a lot worse. And I have always believed that when you shut one door, you open another... or you atleast open a window for me. I have had so many good things come to me lately-- love (that isn't so new anymore) and I have to thank you everyday for bringing Justin into my life, and Howard, and David, and Melody, and Laura and the rest of my family and friends that I haven't mentioned.

I've changed over the past few months and I started realizing that I have everything in my life that I need. I don't need a lot of things that I have... and I don't need a lot of things that I want. Sometimes we say that if we had a certain thing in our life that our lives would be a lot better... and sometimes we act as if we can't live without certain things. It'd be nice to have tons of money, it'd be nice to have a huge wardrobe and a mansion and an expensive car and the relationship of the century and to live forever but, to be honest... all that I want is enough money to get me through college, and to have clothes that cover my body and keep me warm on a cool day and cool on a hot day, and I just want a nice house with some nice things in it, and I don't mind driving a piece of shit around as long as it gets me from A to B and I just want a normal relationship, soemone who I can love and someone to my best friend... and I don't need to live forever, I just want to grow old with someone and raise a family.

So really, I am not asking for anything right now... these are things that will come in time if they haven't already. There are a lot of things in life that we have to work for... nothing is free except our faith and our dreams. And if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be... without suffering, there would be no compassion. And I do see a lot of suffering everyday... but if you bring us to it, then you will bring us through it. I believe that.

I just simply want to thank you for everything and everyone that I have in my life...

(Skipping this part because it is a little personal... some people don't want their lives thrown across a computer screen)

... Amen."

I knew that it wouldn't come out the way that it did last night... doesn't that suck? Oh well, I hope that all didn't sound too dumb. I just have this new faith in my life, I don't know where it came from, I just feel so confident now... I still do have those days where I feel like it's all going to end and need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be all right... I am still here, though. Obviously everything did turn out okay. I think that pretty much colcludes today's entry... maybe something exciting will happen later... you'd get two in one day!

before | after


Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003