August 18, 2003 | 10:15 PM Central Time
Help

Another entry... An hour ago when I left the last entry, I was fine. Now, I am in the doldrums of depression. I read into things too much.

So here I am, tears streaming down my face because I am manic depressive and can't find the medicine to help me. I can't talk to my own boyfriend about it because I am afraid that he will think that it's his fault, I can't talk to Justin about it because he wants to be alone.

I still think that I just ruined our friendship, no matter what he says. Then again, it's not me who changed the direction of our relationship in the first place... I just can't help but to feel like everything that is going on, is my fault. My mess.

It's pretty bad when your best friend doesn't want to talk to you when you need him most... I just need to talk to someone.

I can't sleep, I eat too much, I can't keep my mood stabilized, I can't stay happy, I am unhappy with myself and can't put the past behind me.

Every time I pass some landmark in my life -- a birthday, the end of a semester, a successful session in the bathroom � I look at my life and vaguely convince myself that I am learning, growing, developing, evolving, developing, budding, sprouting, and moreso, that I should not be allowed to use the thesaurus in my computer.

My doctor seems to think that giving me wimpy medications is fun... and my coworkers seem to think that I date older guys because I need a fullfillment, I need to "feel the love that I did not get as a child." So in otherwords, she thinks that I date older men because I need someone to take care of me.

I would like someone to take care of me but, not in the way that she thinks. I want us to take care of EACHOTHER. What I really need is someone to be right here holding me and telling me that everything is going to be all right but, it's not going to happen.

I am miles away from the one the person that I care about.

I can't really pinpoint what the problem is... it's just something in my head that tells me that something is not right.

My doctor hasn't even diagnosed me as a manic. I have taken several tests and brain quizzes that tell me otherwise, though. I have all of the symptoms. He gives me wimpy shit like Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, and Trazedone. I am just so afraid to cry in front of someone, though.

I have always felt that I need to be the strong one, the one who shows no emotion... and most of the time, I don't. If I am upset, I try to act like everything is okay and it takes one sentence out of someone to make me build a casket for my tears. The simple question "Are you okay?" makes me fall down.

I'm a bad liar.

I just need help.



before | after


Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003