September 8, 2003 | 8:02 PM Central Time
Overcoming Obstacles

I spend more time than I�d like to admit being in awe of apathy, watching people in exciting circumstances show so little care, and for reasons that I can�t begin to understand, I can�t bring myself to show concern over much tonight.

I don�t know exactly when I made the transition that years were measured from early September to late August, instead of New Year�s to Christmas, as the calendar dictates. Somehow, it just makes more sense that the start of a new academic year marks the start of a new year in my calendar, giving myself falsified resolutions and standing in wonderment of what will come first.

And as much as I love to say that the more things change, the more they stay the same, it�s not always the truth. I can only be in one place at once on this globe, and no matter how thin I spread myself, I cannot cover the surface area that I need to keep up with change. And this year, I spread myself even thinner, trying to cross the Atlantic Ocean, rather than just the American midwest.

It�s easier to relive than to live. And it is that concept that leaves me with nights like tonight, doing the same things I�ve done all summer, but each in a different way, because it�s �the last time of the summer.� This time of year does that to me so easily, making me aware that I won�t see or do some random action or talk to a certain person for a few months, or a year, and makes me place more value on specifics than they really deserve. But with each passing year, I do it a little bit less, or I fill silences like this time, trying to cherish �the last time� but not feeling nearly so connected.

I remember not so long ago, driving with my friends and going bowling, and then ending up at a diner, driving right past it and heading to a park, where we drank cheap wine and tried to sing songs from the days of old. We laughed a little, we stared at our feet, we sat in swings, and later... in the dirt.

We drove slowly back home and I now wonder why I always end the summer in a group of three, always a different permutation of our small circle of friends.

Memories do good, but realizing that I didn�t remember the lyrics of songs I thought were locked into my brain stunned me. We are the same kids, but growing older and more jaded all the time, and try to recapture stale feelings, and end up creating new ones that can�t possibly stay fresh.

I am an unwound clock, hands frozen in position, pendulum motionless, and the thick skin that I remain so proud of feels like it could be pierced by the slightest jab.

In all of this madness, I am finally learning to be stronger. It's all a part of overcoming the obstacles.

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003