October 29, 2003 | 6:05 PM Central Time
The Raping of the Mind

Here's a list of all of the things that I used to be:

1) Innocent.

2) Honest.

3) Straight.

4) In love with two people that I shouldn't have been.

I am now trying to be more in love with life, in love with the person that is right for me, and I am trying to make myself a better person to make up for all of the things I did wrong.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not sorry for the mistakes that I have made in the past, the ones that you all read about... the stories that you praise me for.

The truth is, the life that you all have come to love praise upon... is not a life at all.

I spend everyday wondering what is going to happen next, wondering if this cloud of darkness hanging over me and stretching beneath me will ever go away.

I pray that I can be the person that I used to be, the person who was in love with life and who was a good person and who had everything going for her, a person without doubts.

I want to be able to wake up, not think of Aaron and not think of Amanda and just be able to LIVE. I don't want to be ashamed anymore.

I told everyone except my family after it had happened, and now that my family knows... I feel more like a hooker than ever before. I feel dirty, unclean, I feel like trash.

I was raped by someone's words, by someone's eyes, by someone's mouth, by someone's touch.

Now I need to ask myself, was I the one doing the raping?

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003