March 25, 2003 | 5:53 PM Central Time
Loving something you can't have

�Do what you love.� These four words, perhaps more than any others, have haunted me during the little bite of life I have ingested. Two days before I leave to return to the world that I�ve attacked with enthusiasm and a new face and voice, now, I don�t know where it�s all going anymore.

New song, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse�

We�ve heard it all before, I know. From me more than from anyone. I'm totally losing it, writing a ridiculously long entry, incredibly uninteresting. There's nothing here for anyone else, hence why it is so redundant, wandering, and long. I just need to write. After the events of today, (in truth, the last few years, but specifically today), I look down the barrel of my life, and start to wonder when the first shot is going to come out, and exactly how hard it�s going to hit.

I�ve made a profession of giving the appearance that I know what I�m doing. Most of the time, I do, and when I don�t, I fake it better than anyone you have ever seen. I always have an answer, a witty retort, or a way to solve the problem, for anyone. Except myself. Now, my family is lost in mortgages, in fighting, and worrying about their future, and the truth is, I don�t have that much left to give. Because despite what they always told me, I can never, and will never be able to do what I love.

I�ve been a jack of all trades for a long time, involving myself in many different things, becoming proficient, and then passing the buck to someone else when circumstances force me to leave the situation. But I don�t want to be doomed to be a Renaissance woman all my life. It�s no way to create a life for myself, or someday, even a family.

I am truly beginning to realize the gravity of the world that I�ve placed myself in. I picked up the life that I held very dear for sixteen years, put it all on the wayside, and laid my life and career on the line, by moving to a new place inside of me. And when I got there, I discovered that I really could do it. I had little to no belief in who I was, and I started over, to test myself. And come to find out, even in a place like that, with stiff competition, I can make a difference. So why do I still feel like this?

It was tough enough, after the events of �the eleventh� to wonder if my education was just a lie to myself � whether I should put it all on the side and join the military. I gave it so much thought, my head hurt. (It happens more frequently than I�d like to admit). And finally, after weeks of torturing myself, I looked back to the very reason I did anything � how would I help or make a difference to people? I�m built to be a military grunt � but, I'm not sure if it�s who I am. My only hope is that someday, by gaining a great education, I can change the world by becoming an educated person, a leader for the future.

There�s so much that�s unresolved, that I thought I could ignore. I found myself at a birthday party not long ago, someone who was turning 20, as I will in four years. I started wondering about people that are 30. What do they have? Most have a permanent house, a car, a spouse, some have a family, and a career. Not a �job,� a career. That�s a lot to accomplish in 10 years. I can�t work by that timetable anymore. Not after all this.

Suddenly, I�m right back where I started from � unknowing whether I can continue with school, where I truly belong, and what the hell I�m supposed to do with myself. My family is in limbo, and has been for some time, and it can�t continue. They want me to stay where I am, and expect me to grow. And I want nothing more then to be successful, and out of Decatur, Illinois. Still, the circumstances, the finances, the very fabric of what I try to accomplish comes apart in the most inappropriate seams. It�s like my life is a pair of pants, and the seat has been torn right out of it.

I can�t even begin to express what the past couple days has done � some beauty and joy, but then, brought crashing down by the most unexpected circumstances imaginable, forcing me to go back to that place and wonder what I can do, and how I am supposed to succeed in the conditions that I find myself in. And again, I delve deep into myself for the answer.

�Self discovery is a bitch.�

I don�t know what to do anymore, and I don�t really feel like faking it. Feels good, but I get nothing out of it in the long run. I�ve began to wonder, my passion in life that has gone unseated for months� the music that drives me� where does it fit in?

Performing has been a big part of my life for years. I�ve learned to do other things � I�ve forced myself to do other things. I thought perhaps by ignoring my love for it, it might vanish or fade away. Doesn�t work that way. I had to change my class schedule recently, forcing out some of the music that I had been really looking forward to. I wonder if the change in schedule, a small thing really, meant a change in priorities� a change in plans. Even a change in life.

Other people find success with music, with performing. I don�t want success � I just love the art of it, the freeing feeling of touching a heart from the stage. Theater is not simply �live� � it is ALIVE. It reaches out to people in a way that nothing else can. And when I do it, nothing else matters, because I am in the moment. I am alive too, even if it�s just for a short time. Others may find success in it, and I may not have the talent to be able to. But with me, every bit of the music, every nuance of the character is from the heart.

I could go all out somewhere, I could audition, I could spend my life struggling, knowing that I have more passion for performing than anyone on the planet. But it wouldn�t matter, if I don�t have that elusive quality that they want. I couldn�t even be a struggling actor. Just struggling is a whole different ball game altogether. I wish I knew, I wish I could push aside the fear to boldly scream, �When do I get my shot?!�

I almost fell into it, I almost gave up a successful life to do what I love. I almost cracked, and confessed that at heart, I am a performer. But it can�t be so. Not with the pressure, not with what I lack. Not with who I am. At one point, I stood on top of a mountain and screamed, �Maybe there is more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I want to get on!� But in time, the passion fails. And with it, so do I.

I just can�t do it � it�s no way to make a life for myself. Or for anyone else. It�s simply too late to do what I really love. I just have to step back, take the mature approach, and do what I sort of like � what I�m good at � what I can guarantee a future for myself in. It�s not like I hate computer programming � I really enjoy it. But there�s no passion there. It�s just key commands.

There have been little signs all along. The fact that my only A+ this last semester came in music, which is no longer an option. My mother told me the other night, not knowing at all about the struggle, �Do what you love.� My mom would have loved to have been a teacher. But she settled, and now, for the rest of her life, she will be working in a nursing home � work with satisfaction, but rarely any passion anymore. Erica's father could have been one of the world�s finest athletes. At age 50, he runs and bikes faster than many professional athletes. He could have been one of the greats. But he settled for dentistry. He wanted to run, and he didn�t. And now, it�s too late. I�m young, and I�m already wondering what could have been. I want to run, in a sense, and I can't.

I don�t want to be someone who people look at in 30 years and say, �Too bad he didn�t do what he loved � he really could have done it.� But it�s what I�m destined for. I have always lived life to the fullest, after all, you only get one chance at life. Those that know me best, know my struggle have asked me, there�s only one chance: don�t you deserve to take it? And I have to shake my head and quietly mutter� �No, I don�t.�

There is too much at stake, there is too much pressure and so many changes yet to come. And I�m lost in the middle, more everyday. The world can continue spinning � I�m not really a part of it anyway. There�s a big gaping future out there� and I�m not ready to live it.

I'm sorry... I just needed to do this, write this, for me.

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003