Last night, I had a triumph over someone... my ex boyfriend. It was a triumph that literally made me jump for joy. I have witnesses.
Shortly afterwards, I wrote a diary entry about it and immediatley sent everyone the link without reading over it to make sure that it wouldn't affect certain people in certain ways.
That is a habit... a habit that I have used on pretty much everything I have written, every entry... all but one. The one that I wrote last night. After this person read it... he immediatley called me a slut and started fighting with me for the second time this week... I deleted the entry. But after a long eighteen hours of thinking about it... I have realized... "FUCK IT!"
I have let a few people read my diary and this is what one had to say:
I understood perfectly well that you were speaking rhetorically... as I am certain most of the people who read your diary would have. You have a gift, Amanda... a talent. I LOVE your writing. The way you put the basic truths of life onto paper... Every artist that touches basic truths without compromise is always going to encounter critics. People who are offended by the nature of your writing. People who are AFRAID of the basic truths you expose in life. Galileo ran up against such critics. So did Hemingway, and Emily Dickinson, Shakespeare. All the way up to modern times... you will find stories of people of vision being assailed by people of so-called "morality".
Oh well... it doesn't matter. I've already said too much on the topic. I was so pleased by your triumph of the human spirit... of your discovery of your inner strength and independence. All he saw was "smutty words" his tiny, closed, moralistic little mind could not properly put into context.
GO HOWARD! GO HOWARD! GO HOWARD!
So here it is... not a word has changed just remember that this happened last night and not five minutes ago, huh?
---------
If there is one thing that I have learned in the last week, it is that there is no excuse for the fact that listening to that �Hot in Here� song forces me to adopt a youthful swagger as I stroll through the kitchen to pour myself a bowl of Lucky Charms.
It�s a strange concept that even though I�m 16 years old and nearly self-sufficient, I can still catch myself going through phases. I�ve never been a particularly introverted person, more like the Class Clown That Wasn�t Quite, but for reasons that I have yet to comprehend, I found myself going through almost a quarterlife crisis, wanting to be one of those wild college students that drink and party and are often found lying naked on someone�s lawn, but I�m just not capable of it.
There is something about the concept of meeting someone that I don�t even know and winding up the night intoxicated and tied up in their body that just makes me shrink back. I was almost determined to change that fact, trying to dig up feelings of uninhibited wildness from deep within my soul and reveal them for all the world to see, but they�re not really there.
And sooner or later, the phase ends, and I return to my typical, misanthropic, all-too-well-reasoned lifestyle. My wild phase ended before it got off the ground, and I have return to my roots, where I react stoically and feel cold and dead inside.
HAHA! But screw all that!
I'm hapy as hell, you all would be proud of me. Remember my little mopey entry last time about how much I will always love my ex in some way because he was the first real love? Well damn, I talked to him tonight and life has never been better.
Him: I don't know you anymore, do I?
Me: No, you don't...
Him a few minutes later: Do you think we could try again... just to see?
Me: Why? Anything even close to real intamacy scares you.
Him a while later: I can't believe how strong you've gotten.
"I can't believe how strong you've gotten"
"I can't believe how strong you've gotten."
Thank you Lord, for I am strong.
He's right... In these past four months... I have become a whole new version of myself... taking on bungee jumping and water tubing and rush hour traffic-- okay, maybe not rush hour traffic but this is a whole new world for me! But I am taking on new love... that's the bravest thing of all!
...Now only if my parents would let me fly...
before | after
Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003