October 7, 2003 | 12:50 PM Central Time
Someone... Please... kick my ass.

I am in another one of my "down" moods. It's okay, though. I can't expect the Lithium to kick in right away. I'm not really sure if I explained that to anyone, or not. For a while, I have been keeping a lot of my life to myself. I used to feel like I could share anything with my online journal and it's readers but, there is so much that I feel the need to censor now.

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, September 29th. I recieved three different sets of bad news that day. Ever since, I have been going through a lot of changes and thinking more than usual.

I was just thinking to myself before I signed on to Diaryland... "Is it even worth it to dream anymore?"

I remember something that I wrote once... on October 14, 2002. Just a few days shy of when I had my surgery... and a few days shy of when I met my ex-boyfriend. (Who I am again missing terribly...)

"There is so much misplaced pride on this place at times, each person not seeing themselves for what they are, but only for what they believe they view in the mirror."

It's true of each of us, in a way. Writing these words to myself, I grasp the dim hope that someone else could take something from these paragraphs, make conclusions for their lives, or have to stifle and giggle or wipe away a tear. There is real arrogance to writing, performing, doing anything that others see... it's just a fact. At times, it just hurts when nothing can be put aside to show someone else that you care.

So, do I keep hoping and dreaming or say that it's all a crock of shit and live my life hell-bent and bitterly?

I'm just so lost today... and I am not sure what the right thing to do is. And I feel like I have been lying to myself.

Everyday, I have believed that I was becoming more mature and getting stronger and being a fighter and living the way that I wanted to... and now I feel like nothing has changed. I don't even know what "nothing" is supposed to be, exactly. I told Justin that very same thing.

I just need to collect my thoughts. I will be okay.

Note to self: Quit IMing your ex... he's not interested in what you want him to be interested in.

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003