March 8, 2003 | 12:45 AM Central Time
A Long Way to Go

It's funny, how we always search to update and improve ourselves, whether it�s needed or not. Obviously, in my case, I�ve got a long way to go. I�m one goofy mofo. Even when we are ultimately happy, except for the moments when we are not, we seek something else � the other side of the fence, the greener grass, the distant island.

It�s not as bad as it seems, it really isn�t. I suppose I have a bad habit of making everything sound so much more dramatic than it really is, romanticizing that I have a life that really isn�t there, just because I�m a girl that is lost in a city. I�m not the only one, and we each have a story to tell. Sometimes, it�s just nice to put it into words.

And sometimes, I try to sit down to put it all in one cohesive document, rather than scattering the thoughts in spurts on the screen. Thinking about what I could title it all as, the whole story, if it had to be under one banner. As if, at age fifteen, I�m trying to write a novel.

But then I remember that the fact that just because no one understands me doesn�t mean that I�m an artist.

A big part of me wishes that I believed in reincarnation, desires to think that we each have multiple lives, more than one chance. One of each to do everything I want to do � a journalist, a politician, an actor, a writer, a humanitarian, a singer, a pundit (whatever that is)� but there is only so much you can do in a life, so I just have to make as much out of it as I can. I may not take it by the horns the way I should, but these lessons, too, will come in time.

My thoughts are so easily categorized, a factor that close friends advised me against. Thinking that it makes me conversationally anal-retentive, putting every thought and person and factor in my life into a list. But really, that is how I work, in part. And perhaps, by taking the tiniest factors and running the statistics, I could come up with an outcome that suits itself well. And if not, I am at the very least, pushing on. And though they tell me that I maintain something just short of brilliance in the office, I find myself knowing that I have something far other than brilliance outside of it. And that I have a long way to go.

I have no idea if you all know what I am talking about, but, maybe someday you will. We all feel like we have to improve ourselves sometimes, and others think that we are just as complete and filled as we'll ever be. I wish I was one of those people. These inklings and thoughts that I have keep me tossing and turning. As you can see, it's nearly 1:00 AM in the morning.

(This is my life, people... don't try to steal it.)

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003