March 31, 2003 | 12:43 AM Central Time
A testament to Memory

My friend: Making your path easier is the reason I was put on this Earth. I know that now.

Me: I don't know, everytime I start down my path... lions, scarecrows, and tinmen jump out at me.

Sometimes, I suppose my dramatic nature gets the best of me. And no, this time I am not speaking of the unfortunate incident in the local Super Wal-Mart involving a stuffed caterpillar, a can of guacamole sauce, and a powerfully-belted version of �You�re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.� (Although, with further examination, behavior such as this probably warrants a nice long visit to the shrink). But that, my friends, is another tale.

Five minutes ago... I was a perfectly normal and happy sixteen year old girl... and now... I am am having a manic depressive episode.

I have developed the unfortunate habit of taking isolated moments in my life, shrinking them down to their purest essences, and extracting lessons and ideas, with no regard to the joy that a memory brings. My melodramatic habits have nearly forced me to dramatize memories as more than what they are, making my life seem more charmed, or perhaps more unfortunate, than it actually is. I am simply a young woman searching for answers, and at moments, one who sucks the sweet nectar of life with an audible slurping sound.

I have developed a habit of internalizing everything that happens in my life � letting each detail shape a contour of what could be my future, rather than simply letting things� happen. I categorize, I write endless lists, I keep track of my thoughts, placing each nuance into a box, wrapping it up for a later release. But thinking about the words of a book, �Sometimes, people use thought not to participate in life.�And I do not want to become one of those people. It is easy to look at a past lived in laughter and tears, dreaming of recreating a moment, or dramatizing something I could do that may have little impact, or may seem cheesy to someone else, but in my mind, it is an action� something to create a memory. And then realizing that most of my shining memories have happened impromptu, unprepared. That so few photographs were planned to last forever.

�No one felt sad as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia.�

And nostalgia lasts with me more than most, I suppose. The memories do not live on with everyone in the picture as I dreamed they might� and recreation is nearly impossible. Talking to old friends is like talking to a completely different group, with few shared recollections or perspectives. It�s not easy to have a conversation with a stranger that you have known for years.

But thinking that it would be the same is na�ve. Sitting on my porch this evening, I realized that the future will not mirror the past as I expected it to. But there were moments that last, and those are the ones I want to keep.

The early days of elementary school, when those that would become football stars and cheerleaders, and those that would become computer geeks and lonely souls were one. And knowing that I am the way I am because of the people in my past, and each day that we lived together. That�s very important to remember. Though they seem to forget, I know that what happened to us, those isolated moments on fields, stages, and coffee houses were important. And that I need to remember them, even if others seem to forget.

And opening my email, finding my daily horoscope, proudly provided by Yahoo, seeing:

�It is time to head out on your own and face the challenges. Strive for success, but do not fear failure.�

Frustration abounds, and does not fade easily. In a way, perhaps due to my dramatic nature, my life seems like a much less-charmed episode of Dawson�s Creek. And that�s not entirely bad. The moments of the past and future will remain, and this is my testament to them.

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003