April 11, 2003 | 11:25 PM Central Time
When I Fall

I can't take my Lexapro anymore... it makes me sick. It's a big dose and I have a little body that can't take much. It's funny... my brain needs more attention than my body can handle...

I have a fierce streak of independence. I hate depending on others. And if I couldn�t do it myself, then I don�t deserve it. Getting your foot in the door is always the hardest part. And that�s a tall hurdle to jump over before I can begin changing anything from the inside out.

I have one foot in my life and the other is out the door.

I�ve got to get out of this city.

For three days, I�ve been desperately trying to make connections, reaching for a rope to pull me out of the quagmire I�ve been in. A job, studying, family, friends� nothing.

There are some nights when I sit back, patiently waiting for Saturday Night Live to light up my television screen, and I put the books aside, thinking about what I would like to learn. Not what I am learning, what I spend limitless hours pouring through books for, but all that I wish I knew.

I would love to stay in school forever. Perhaps not this place, specifically knowing how unlikely that seems as of late. But, to find a place with lawns covered in short green grass, leading to a gothic building, filled with musty books. And I would get a degree in Journalism, and a degree in Political Science, and a degree in Philosophy, and a degree in Music, and a degree in History, and a degree in English, and a degree in computer programming, and a degree in Economics. And then I would pack up, and move on to Law School.

The truth is, I just want to be and do everything.

I would spend a life reading, studying, learning how the world works. Sharing it.

But education is expensive, and there is no way to find an unlimited supply. So I leave dreams of knowing it all behind, and flip back open the book for the required constitional knowledge that has nothing to do with what I want to know, and pour back into the study, hoping to glean a fact that will enrich me.

I would do it forever, though. If only there were someway to bankroll the whole process, I would be a professional student. Maybe I need to find a Sugar Daddy.

Funny how you never think that anyone else is feeling as you are, especially on the melancholy nights, puttering around on Instant Messenger at 2:30 in the morning, until you speak to a friend, and learn that they have similar experiences, feel the same.

Despite all the issues regarding my potential departure from Decatur, I can take solace in these relationships, if just for a moment. Realizing the impacts of what I say, who I am close to, if anyone. Wondering if my leaving would affect anyone, impact any sort of group dynamic, curious if I�d be missed. They assure me I would, and though it�s not easy, I believe them.

But for now, I have adopted the philosophy that if I can force myself to hate this place, grow to detest it, there will be no tears shed when I have to leave. Because I�ve had that experience before, being so attached to a place, and realizing that it didn�t matter to anyone else, at least, not to degree that I thought it did. And I don�t want that again. So I choose to hate the city, find things to detest, so that I can be proud to leave. And if I stay, I will learn to love it again.

Alarms go off every morning, reminding me that there are Things To Be Done, and far too often, forgetting that there are People That Will Help. My fierce independence catches up with me sometimes, and those are the nights that are harder to deal with.

The past has been haunting me lately, with the thought of going back. Thinking of who I used to be, and realizing that it wasn�t at all what I imagined, ther person I was, I mean. And realizing that this is the last time I can allow myself to think about being there, and that it cannot even be what I make of it, because I have so little control.

So I relinquish, I try to roll with the punches and go with the flow. For now, I set my clock ahead for daylight savings time, get caught up in the brief minute, second, millisecond, that there is a vortex of time, between the change, where an hour fades away without reason. It just vanishes, bringing me one hour closer to that place, and one hour further from solid resolution...

I dream of starting over. Again.

before | after

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Goodbye... and EFF YOU! - January 14, 2004
This... sucks. - November 30, 2003
High on Life... and hyper as hell. - November 28, 2003
Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy. - November 27, 2003... Thanksgiving Day
100 exciting things about me... hehe,.. not. - November 25, 2003